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It Crowd Have You Tried Turnning It Off and on Again No Thats the Sound of It Turning on

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The IT Oversupply (2006–2013) is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the Information technology section, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

Series ane [edit]

Yesterday'south Jam [1.1] [edit]

Roy Trenneman: [picking up the telephone] Hello, It. Accept you tried turning it off and on once more? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yep, yous demand to turn information technology on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you lot do know how a button works don't y'all? No, not on clothes.
Maurice Moss: [picking upwards the phone] Hello, IT...Yaha... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: No, no at that place y'all go, no in that location you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that'due south the music y'all heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Moss: Run into the commuter hooks a role by patching the system call tabular array, and then information technology's not condom to unload it unless another thread's about to leap in at that place and do its stuff, and y'all don't desire to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?
Roy: Oh really? And so why don't yous come down and make me and then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not agape of you lot. Y'all can come up down here whatsoever time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams downward phone] I told her!
Moss: You lot had a job?
Roy: [coyly] Girl on 5th.
Moss: Did you lot striking it off?
Roy: Define 'hit it off'.
Moss: Did she go on talking to you after y'all'd fixed her estimator?
Roy: No. And while I was working, she rested a loving cup on my back.
Moss: No!
Roy: Yes! (shows a cup mark on his back) I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! Nosotros're all simply drudgeons to them!
Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd exist to them.
Roy: It'south like they're pally-wally with u.s.a. when at that place'southward a problem with their printer, just one time it'southward fixed—
Moss: They but toss us away like yesterday'due south jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday'south jam. That is what we are to them! Really, that doesn't work equally a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages. Hello Information technology. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

(Moss and Roy are discussing Jen Barber)

Moss: Did y'all detect how she didn't even become excited when she saw this original ZX81?
Roy: Yep, that was weird. It'south nearly as if she doesn't know anything nearly computers.
Moss: What?! (Drops mug)
Roy: What're yous doing?!
Moss: Oh, don't worry. That's why I always make two cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were nosotros talking nearly?
Roy: Her not knowing annihilation about computers.
Moss: WHAT?! (drops mug)

(Jen has calmed downwards and walked out a woman who was beating Roy with a shoe)

Moss: Chairman Wow! You just defused that entire state of affairs!
Jen: What situation? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yeah that. Wow, does that happen often?
Moss: They're fairly regular, the beatings, aye. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.
Roy: Oh, it's non that bad.
Moss: Come on, it'southward pretty bad.

Calamity Jen [1.2] [edit]

Television set Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services advertizement] Has this e'er happened to y'all? [The old woman on the ad twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls downward second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that'due south non the only matter that'due south irresolute! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers hateful they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, think the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short break] iii! That's [number is repeated in like style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]
Old Woman: Hello? I've had a chip of a tumble.
Moss: [watching the advertizement] Well that's piece of cake to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short intermission] 3.
Roy: [listening to Moss, speaking with his rima oris full] I don't see how they couldn't simply keep it as it was. How hard is information technology to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999—
Roy: Yes, yeah, I hateful 999! Yes, I know.
Moss: That's the American one, y'all berk!
Moss: [property a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest, of the fire.
Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 [hums the rest of the numbers] 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hi? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in forepart of the estimator] Discipline: Fire. "Beloved Sir\Madam, I am writing to inform you lot of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [repeatedly presses backspace] "Love Sir\Madam. Burn down! Exclamation marker. Fire! Exclamation marker. Help me! Exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking frontwards to hearing from y'all. All the best, Maurice Moss."

L Fifty [1.3] [edit]

Roy: How do y'all know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'yard a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts affair?
Moss: I'm a 32 year sometime IT-man who works in a basement. Aye, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!
Roy: Shut up, do what I tell you, I'yard non interested; these are but some of the things you'll be hearing if you reply this ad. I'chiliad an idiot and I don't care nearly anyone simply myself. P.Due south. No dogs!
Moss: That's good.
Roy: What's yours?
Moss: Mine doesn't await any good at present.
Roy: Continue.
Moss: I'g going to murder you... Y'all bloody woman!
Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.

The Red Door [1.4] [edit]

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do. You've but used a double negative.
Moss: Yous've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room?
Jen: Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while.
Moss: But, the rainforest, and...
Jen: What's wrong with you, Moss?
Moss: Roy'due south stuck underneath a lady's desk-bound.
Jen: [laughs] What, still?
Moss: Look, I know that unremarkably this would be very funny, just he'south been under there likewise long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks downwards, she'southward going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!
Jen: What's a desk-bound-rabbit?
Moss: I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna beginning to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he'due south my all-time friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be y'all, me, and Tim Burton over at that place! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [ane.5] [edit]

Roy: If anyone was e'er rude to me, I used to carry their nutrient around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought information technology to their tabular array?
Roy: [sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
Roy: While he was eating, did yous hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area?
Jen: Yeah! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'd be trouser food!

Aunt Irma Visits [one.6] [edit]

[phone rings]
Roy: [picking upward] Hi, IT, have yous tried turning it off and on again?...accept you lot tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up] Ohh...yeah, yeah. I just realized that was my mother.
Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh, do you non like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]
Jen: It'southward my term for my time of the calendar month.
Roy: [understanding] Ohhhh.
Moss: What fourth dimension of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: You know, it'southward "high tide".
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'yard "airtight for maintenance"!
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they do have some compelling arguments.
Roy: [frustrated] Carrie, Moss! Commencement scene in Carrie!
Moss: [finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]
Jen: Okay. Moss, what did y'all have for breakfast this forenoon?
Moss: Smartie cereal.
Jen: Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Roy: I am a man, he's a man, nosotros're men!
Jen: Okay, tell me how you're feeling.
Roy: [softly] I feel delicate... and annoyed, and... I retrieve I'yard ugly! [crying]
News Reporter: (on 'Aunt Irma' riots) The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and well-nigh all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, two games designers went on a rampage in a shopping middle and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a coach.

Series 2 [edit]

Work Outing [2.1] [edit]

[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a poster for Gay: A Gay Musical]
Roy Trenneman: "A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, similar, the gayest musical ever made.
Maurice Moss: It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long Equally Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
Jen Barber: [reads from the poster] "A story of a boyfriend trying to observe his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Moss: Oh no! It's set up in the 80s!
Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to become them out?
Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: Oh, I'g very comfy with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face up with their sexuality.
[Jen is standing in the lobby at the theatre. 3 people in wheelchairs come up in. Roy is one of them. He is being pushed by the Theatre Manager]
Theatre Director: He'south had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Jen: [shocked] Did you run across who information technology was?
Roy: Cerise-bearded man.
Jen: Uh-huh... How long take yous been disabled?
Roy: Ten years?
Jen: Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.
Roy: ...Acid.
Jen: What are the chances?
Roy: 100 to i.
Theatre Manager: What happened?
Roy: [meekly] I'm disabled.
Theatre Managing director: How?
Roy: How what?
Theatre Manager: Yeah, how are you lot disabled?
Roy: Uhh, Leg disabled.
Theatre Manager: Exercise you accept a wheelchair?
Roy:...Yep.
Theatre Manager: Well, where is it?
Roy:...Stolen.
Theatre Manager: How did they get in?
Roy: [breaks downwardly] I don't know...
Jerome: [sees group of disabled men] What...? Oh, I get it. Very funny, you Irish! [laughs; mockingly] "Oh, I'thou a bit tired. Can I accept a wheelchair too?" Ha ha, HILARIOUS! "Oh, me legs don't work! Help, help! I demand a wheelchair!" [goes over to a disable human; tries to pull him off] Come on, come on, get up. Come on, stop messing around! That a go. [tips wheelchair over; disable man falls off]

Return of the Aureate Kid [2.2] [edit]

Denholm Reynholm: When I started Reynholm Industries, I had just ii things in my possession: a dream and six million pounds. Today I take a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest human being in the world!
Moss: Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on flooring 7 are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!
[Jen comes out of her part, visibly shocked.]
Jen: [stunned] Oh my God.
Roy: What?
Jen: Oh my God.
Roy: What is it?
Jen: Denholm's dead!
Moss: [suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm'southward dead!
Derek Pippen: [talking almost Denholm's funeral] You do know we're burying a great man today!
Roy: [shocked] Did someone else die?
Jen: There's Denholm's married woman...
Moss: I never know what to say to people at funerals.
Roy: Me also. I'thousand terrible.
Jen: Simply say you're sad and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll exist in our prayers.
Roy: [to Denholm's married woman] I'm sad for your loss. Move on.
Moss: I'grand deplorable for your loss.
Mrs. Reynholm: Cheers.
Moss: It'south not like you've lost a pen, is information technology? Information technology's so much worse. Would y'all like a pen? I have a spare one.
Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
Moss: Please take information technology.
Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
Moss: I don't know. [easily her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.
Douglas: Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A corking man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!
Douglas:Speak, priest!
Douglas: Placidity, woman!

Moss and the German [ii.3] [edit]

Narrator: You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. Yous wouldn't steal a baby. Y'all wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. Y'all wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it once more! Downloading films is stealing. If you exercise information technology, you will face the consequences. [FBI squad member bursts in backside the girl downloading the flick and shoots her; cutting to a puddle of blood on the keyboard]
Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Human, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.
Roy: Yeah, I don't similar people.
Jen: Oh, well now that's non fair Roy. Accept you met all of them?
Roy: I've met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!
Jen: Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and we've walked four f*cking miles.

Dinner Party [two.iv] [edit]

Jen: If this evening is going to piece of work in any way, yous need to pretend to be normal people, yep? Go along the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about retentiveness, or RAM.
Moss: Memory is RAM!
Richmond: Have you lot got any absinthe?
Jen: No.
Richmond: I only potable absinthe.
Jen: Absinthe, no. Reddish wine, white wine, Carlsberg...
Richmond: Oh Carlsberg, perfect.
Roy: Peter, what'due south your electronic mail accost?
Peter: Oh, information technology's filepeter@hotmail.com.
Roy: "filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?
Peter: Well, File is my second name.
Roy: Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
Moss: Who's a paedophile?
Roy: No no, his proper noun is Peter File.
Moss: His proper name is paedophile?
Jen: [aroused] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."
Moss: Isn't that what he simply said?
Jen': No, Peter File.
Moss: [enunciating] Paedo phile?
Jen: Peter File!
Richmond: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: No one is.
Moss: [finally agreement] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.
Jen: No, no, it doesn't!
Moss: Does a bit. Peter File.
Roy: Peter File... Yep, no, it does.
[There are murmurings of understanding from the residual of the table equally anybody starts pronouncing it themselves]
Peter: [exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!
[silence]
Jen: I didn't noticed, so...
Peter: It doesn't bother y'all, does information technology?
Jen: No, of form information technology doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]
Moss: They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
Jen: [shouting] He's non moving to America!

Smoke and Mirrors [two.5] [edit]

John: I don't recall that's true.
Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of It and I have information technology on good dominance that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. Then delight, no i try it, fifty-fifty for a joke. [the executives laugh] Information technology's not a laughing matter. You can suspension the Internet.
Roy: Is this another one of your inventions?
Moss: Might exist.
Roy: What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to assist moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
Moss: How is that not useful?
Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Moss: Yes. They. Do!
Roy: Fifty-fifty if that were true, information technology's but not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They take wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative near it, but everything y'all invent is worthless!
Moss: Ah! Well, gear up to put mustard on those words, for you lot will before long be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes directly from the oven of shame, set at gas marking "egg on your face"! [interruption] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Men Without Women [two.6] [edit]

Douglas Reynholm: I similar you, Jen. You don't inquire questions. A lot of people would be confused equally to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you lot. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to exist ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a adult female.
Douglas: Oh, not these idiots!
Jen: Mr Reynholm, the men in the It section are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

Series three [edit]

From Hell [3.1] [edit]

Douglas Reynholm: I tin can't seem to get it open.
Roy Trenneman: You want me to open it. That'due south why you called me all the way up hither, to open your laptop?
Douglas: I would exist appreciative to y'all.
Maurice Moss: Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm really an It consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my listen: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."
Douglas: Hell's horses!
Roy: [Interim every bit Moss's teenage bullies] Squeamish glasses!
Moss: Not as overnice every bit your momma'south glasses!
Moss: [Chasing teenage bullies around the park, with Douglas' grandfather'southward revolver] I got a gun! I got a red gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a mother flipping gun! [spins the gun in his hands every bit he goes back to the bench, sits down and places the gun next to him]

Are We Not Men? [3.2] [edit]

[Repeated conversation]
Moss: Did you run across that ludicrous display final night?
Postman: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early on?
Moss: The thing well-nigh Armory is, they always try and walk it in!
Postman: Yeah it is true. See you lot after, Moss
Moss: Heed 'ow you lot go.
Moss: Just promise me nosotros won't do anything else with them. I want to become dorsum to existence weird. I similar beingness weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet fashion.

Tramps Like U.s. [3.3] [edit]

June: What does IT stand for?
Jen Barber: What does it represent? What doesn't it stand for?
June: Aye, yes, but what does information technology represent?
Jen: It stands for, it stands for delivery. It stands for audacity. Information technology stands for courage in the face of-
June: Yes, aye I tin see what yous're getting at, just the specific messages "It", what do they stand for?
Jen: What do you lot call back they represent?
June: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself articulate. I'm not looking for an estimation, I actually don't know what the messages actually correspond. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?
Jen: I... need... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.
Douglas: [existence shocked by his anti-harrassment device] But I'thou non aroused, it's just cars! God damn these electric sex pants!
Douglas: You there, calculator man. Set my pants!
Moss: Beg your pardon?
Douglas: Pull downward my trousers and exercise your task!
[Moss, highly concussed, is amusing himself with an anglepoise lamp. Phone rings]
Moss: Hello, Roy speaking.
Jen: [on phone] What? Moss? Yous're all the same concussed, you need to see the medico.
Moss: Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'k Roy.
Jen: Wait, what does It mean?
Moss: What?
Jen: Information technology, what does I.T. mean? Someone'southward just asked me.
Moss: You don't know what it means?
Jen: No, I never thought to ask.
Moss: This must be Jen!
Jen: Yes—
Moss: Hi Jen!
Jen: Hello!
Moss: How may I assistance you lot?
Jen: Tell me, tell me what IT means.
Moss: Absolutely. [interruption]
Jen: Well?
Moss: Very well, thank you. How are yous?
Jen: Moss, please merely stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What—
Moss: Jen, I'chiliad only going to put you lot on speakerphone, all correct?
Jen: No no no, don't hang upwardly—
Moss: [hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [telephone rings] Jen, can you bear with me ane moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.
Jen: You just hung up on me.
Moss: Jen, can you concur on 1 second? I've got Jen on the other line.
Jen: No! Don't—
Moss: [switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've only got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry nearly that. Phew! Craven in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I assist you?
Jen: What does IT mean?! Y'all know, computers? Something to practise with computers probably?
Moss: Computers? That's not really my expanse. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it'south a real pain, I seem to take forgotten absolutely everything I know virtually computers.
Jen: How tin can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?
Moss: Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it'south definitely everything.

The Speech [3.4] [edit]

[Jen looks at a small black box, which has a small cherry LED calorie-free on the top. Moss stands next to her.]
Jen: What is it?
Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
Jen: What?
Moss: That's correct.
Jen: This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?
Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of information technology, then that y'all could use it in your speech.
Jen: Information technology's so small!
Moss: That's one of the surprising things well-nigh it.
Jen: Hang on, it doesn't accept any wires or annihilation...
Moss: [rolling his eyes] Information technology's wireless!
Jen: Oh, yep, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I tin can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs information technology?
Moss: Oh no, people will withal be able to get online and everything; it'll still work.
Jen: Oh, good.
Moss: I tell you: you nowadays this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
Jen: Tin can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, information technology'south so light.
Moss: Of grade it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
Jen: [laughing] No, no, of class it doesn't!
[Roy enters the room]
Roy: [agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
Jen: Moss said I could use it for my voice communication.
Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops information technology?
Jen: I won't driblet it, I'll wait after information technology!
Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight dorsum to Big Ben.
Jen: Big Ben?
Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Large Ben. That's where you go the all-time reception.
Jen: I promise I won't let annihilation happen to it.
Roy: No, Jen, I'g sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.
Moss: Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Cyberspace not one hr ago. I told them near Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.
Jen: [suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Net know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry, it'south just likewise risky!
Jen: Oh, please, Roy!
Roy: [resignedly] Well, Moss, has information technology been completely demagnetised?
Moss: By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the manner.
Roy: Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...
Jen: So, can I take it?
Roy: You can.
[Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to choice her spoken communication up and acquit the box carefully. As soon every bit she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]
Douglas: April, these past few days have been like a dream. Normally, I can't wait to go away from a woman once I've ejaculated, merely with you... I don't know, I feel alive. April, I love yous.
April: What?
Douglas: That's right, I totally dearest the bloody arse off you.
April: Oh, Douglas! I beloved you besides!
Douglas: Oh, poppet... to think when we met, yous were and then worried that you came from Islamic republic of iran.
April: ...what?
Douglas: When we met, every bit if I'd exist worried about something like that! I don't intendance where you're from; Iran, France, doesn't carp me. I'm very modern
April: I'm not from Iran!
Douglas: Well, you said something along those lines.
April: No, not Iran, a man! I said I used to be a human!
Douglas: You used to be a homo...?
April: Yeah!
[Douglas grips April very tightly]
Douglas: OH GOD...
[During Jen'south speech]
Shareholder: Is it heavy? [indicates the box]
Jen: [laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Net doesn't weigh anything!
Indistinguishable shareholder: Fucking idiot!

Friendface [3.v] [edit]

Moss: My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!
Roy: Isn't that a skilful affair?
Moss: She's listed her "electric current mood" as "sensual"!
Roy: Why didn't you simply non take her friend request?
Moss: What are y'all, an animal?
Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.
Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?
Roy: So, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Calendar Geeks [3.6] [edit]

Jen: Why are you doing this?
Roy: Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sexual activity with a lady.

Series 4 [edit]

Jen the Fredo [iv.ane] [edit]

[Moss talking about Mysterious Music]
Maurice Moss: Does this sound mysterious?
Jen Barber: Aye, yeah it'due south quite mysterious.
Moss: I was hoping for "scarlet mysterious".
Jen: Mr Reynholm, I don't demand to remind you lot of the written report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.
Douglas Reynholm: Now, you concord on a infinitesimal, sugar-tits!
Jen: [regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!

The Concluding Countdown [four.two] [edit]

[Moss bursts into the office]
Moss: I did it! I did information technology! I've been accepted!
Roy Trenneman: [in disbelief] No!
Jen: What'south going on?
Moss: I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yep!
Jen: Who said yes? What are you talking nearly? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!
[Blast cut to the gear up of Inaugural, with Moss sitting behind a desk]
Moss: Consonant, please.
Moss: It actually already is a word, Tnetennba.
Jeff Stelling: Adept Heavens really? Could you lot, erm, utilize information technology in a sentence for us?
Moss: Good morning, that's a prissy Tnetennba.
Moss: I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've only finished my milk.
[The viii+ Club are playing Street Countdown]
Harold Tong, aka "Prime": Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the Ane.
Roy: [incredulously] What are you...
Prime: Shh! This is the longest word nevertheless on Street Countdown! Dissimilar normal Countdown, you lot see—
Roy: I don't intendance.
[The 8+ Club end an acapella version of the Countdown music]
Prime number: Negative One?
Negative One: Twelve.
Moss: Sixteen.
Prime: Your word, Negative Ane.
Negative 1: Enormousness.
Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
Prime: This is about irregular...
Moss: What do you phone call Negative One sitting lonely in an empty room?
Prime number: I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Moss: Overnumerousness!
Prime: Gyles?
[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in a makeshift Dictionary Corner]
Gyles: Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

Something Happened [4.3] [edit]

[Douglas is presenting an advertizing for "Spaceology"]
Douglas: Infinite: what is it? The unproblematic reply is, we don't know. Or at to the lowest degree we didn't know until now. Hello, I'k Douglas Reynholm, and I'yard not a scientist, simply I do have a better understanding of what space is than whatever scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a faith, non a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on vacation 2 weeks agone.
Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are just wishes.
Douglas: I mean, think almost that! That means every star you can encounter in the nighttime sky is a wish that has come up true. And they've come up true considering of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, in that location are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, and so, perhaps y'all only don't deserve to get what you desire.
[Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy'southward computer]
Douglas: Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Dear the special effects! How did you lot exercise that thing where I'chiliad spinning around?
Roy: Well, in that bit, y'all're actually spinning around.
[Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]
Roy: I'thou going to become dance at the front.
Jen: Aren't you a bit onetime for the front?
Roy: I'm 32!
Teenager: Good for you, mate!

Italian for Beginners [four.4] [edit]

Jen: [greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.
Roy: There was a fire...at a Bounding main Parks?
Moss: [trapped inside of claw crane toy vending auto] These toys may odour of wee, come the morning.

Bad Boys [four.5] [edit]

[Moss and Roy are walking down the street]
Moss: Oh my gosh!
[Moss runs forward and kneels down]
Moss: It'due south a robot!
[Camera zooms out to testify a bomb disposal robot]
Moss: I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come up from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can we keep him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.
[Jen is asking Roy for help with her laptop]
Jen: Someone told me I demand a browser on my computer. Could yous install 1, please?
Roy: Y'all don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? Information technology'south not supposed to audio like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to 1] How long has that been - I haven't seen that i since the nineties! [goes to pick information technology up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.
Jen: [grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like information technology.
Roy: "How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it'southward infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot information technology in the face.
[The computer decision-making the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]
Moss: What kind of operating arrangement does information technology use?
Police force: Err... it's... Vista!
Moss: We're going to dice!
Roy: [chop-chop] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Police: What?
Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Police force: ...what?
Roy: [agitated] HAVE You lot TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!
Jen: [shrieks, then turns to the Police] I but won 100 quid.
Roy: Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to requite me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.

Reynholm five Reynholm [4.6] [edit]

Moss: When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.
Douglas: Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious!
Solicitor: Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.
Douglas: But that'southward plenty to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody smash, this is upwards my arse!
Solicitor: That is the corporeality, it is not up for negotiation.
Douglas: Assurance from hell, you shit-twins!
Solicitor: Calm downwards, Mr. Reynholm.
Douglas: Bollocks to exist telling me to at-home down, my old chap. She wants 220 titty 1000000 quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.
Judge: Mr Reynholm, are you gear up to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
Douglas: I am, your accolade, just rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cantankerous. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?
Approximate: Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you endeavor less to do an impression of a lawyer yous once saw on idiot box and make your example equally just as you peradventure tin can.
Douglas: Wise words, my learned lud.
Douglas: Your name is Maurice Moss, is it non?
Moss: [Mumbles, nods frenetically]
Douglas: [In same tone as earlier] Your proper name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [Nervously lifts a glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, flake of water. [drinks the h2o, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it's fizzy, information technology's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a shock] Yow! Come up on! That's electric, there's electric in there, got a shock.
Douglas: [In same tone equally before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: It is not. Sorry, yeah, distressing, um, my mother sued me.
Judge: Merely relax, take your time and reply the questions as clearly equally you can.
Moss: Thank you, my dearest.
Douglas: [In aforementioned tone every bit before] Your proper name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair back upward, but falls off it as he sits downward]
Douglas: No further questions, my lord.

Series 2013 [edit]

The Net is Coming [2013.1] [edit]

Moss: [Jen enters room] Oh Jen, heady news! I've just uploaded the 2nd episode of my lath games review testify! Care to have a look.
Jen: [Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the final ane.
Moss: [Incredulously] It was iii months ago!
Moss: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Douglas [laughs] Book recommendation? I can't read!
Roy: [points at coffee] Look at that shit! Look at it! I tin can't - how am I supposed to drink - information technology looks like he milked a cow over it!
Roy: [Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!
Jen: Why not?
Roy: Because he'southward too pocket-size Jen. He'due south clearly as well small to exist a barista!
Jen: [Looks at Roy and shakes her head]
Roy: What?
Jen: Yous're being a scrap of a pocket-size-person-racist Roy.
Roy: [Shakes head] A pocket-size-person-racist? That'south not a matter.
Douglas: What'south your beefiness with the homeless?
Jen: I don't have whatever homeless beef.
Douglas: Ah, so information technology's women you hate! Well, that I tin can sympathize.
Roy: Wait, you tape our emails and record our telephone calls?
Douglas: Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If y'all've got zip to hide, you lot've got nada to fear.
Jen: I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.
Roy: And I would never corruption a pocket-size person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [trounce] Although, I suppose I sort of did.
Jen: I sort of did my one too.
Roy: It's frustrating that we did both of our things.
Douglas: Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we brand.
Douglas: What the hell were yous thinking? I told you to go along a low profile and you do information technology over again!
Jen: No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.
Douglas: Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're non News International, for Christ's sake!
Roy: [On going to a funeral] I'thou gonna have to look convincingly lamentable for the majority of the day. She'due south not going to expect me to weep, is she?
Moss: No.
Roy: What if she does? I tin can't cry on cue! What practise I do then?!
Moss: Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.
Roy: At present that make sense! Encounter, that makes more sense than having to experience something!
[...]'
Roy: [Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What'south in here?
Moss: [Shrugs] Merely Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.
Roy: Those sound like bad things to put in your optics.
Moss: It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.
Roy: [Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take information technology, equally a last resort.
Moss: [Shrugs] Equally a last resort.
Roy: In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.
Moss: There yous go.
Roy: [Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!
Moss: Farewell!
Roy: Farewell.
Moss: [Begins to work on something else, so stops] Oh, don't forget to add the h2o! [Simply Roy has gone]
Roy: Modest people are non a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!
Jen: I tin can't believe she's still with you.
Roy: Yep, I suppose. Simply I'g hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just become through it as long as nix else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now...
Roy: [casually] Hey baby.. Aye, of course! Yes, absolutely. OK. Good day-Farewell!
Jen: She left you lot?
Roy: She did.
Jon Snowfall: Every bit the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, we at Channel 4 news ask: What the Hell is wrong with people?
Roy: Are you lot wearing women's slacks?
Moss: Yes I am!
Jen: Run across what we can do when we work together? With my business organization acumen..
Moss: ..And my scientific know how..
Roy: ..And I'thousand also here..
Jen: ..We can do anything!
All Three: YEAH [Bound in platitude excitement]

External links [edit]

Wikipedia

  • Official website
  • The It Crowd quotes at the Internet Movie Database

mcalistertherited.blogspot.com

Source: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_IT_Crowd

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